A response... to the truth between us.

When do i feel most alive?

- watching the sunset on the Pacific

-laughing until my sides hurt with good friends

- laying under the stars of a Texas sky

-fireflies on a lazy summer night

-driving across the Golden Gate Bridge on a clear day

-Trekking through the Himalayas

What or who guides me?
-spontaneity

-that still, quiet voice

-the voices of reason

-the voices of no reason

What am i becoming?

-Strong

-Independent

-Adventurous

-Confident

-Decisive

prisms of hope

kaleidoscope of fear

struck down

heart wounded and bleeding

the floodwater gates cannot hold

hold the tears of hurt,

tears of pain, of shock

shrouds of darkness

not understanding

the clock mocks

moving you forward

heart discouraged

walls have crumbled

holding back nothing

wells are drying up

puddles attest to what once was

a hand holds

helping you along

heart strengthening

walls have fallen

refusing to be built again

clearing the rubble

the smoke dissipates

winter ends

warmth filling

heart smiles weakly

limping forward

slowly yet determined

falling here, stumbling there

fresh air embracing

spring begins

heart is at rest

gingerly walking

strong yet holding on

the healer removes the bandages

beauty is springing forth

strength resides

in a prism of hope.

A study day....

fab four: a few pics for you

Surviving

Do you ever have those times in your life when you are just trying to survive?

people say HEY! how are you? and then you don't really quite know how to respond because you haven't had time to check yourself to see???

so you plaster that smile on and say good! because you just don't want to explain that oh so haunting thread that you seem to be barely hanging on to...

if you were to breathe too hard, there is that fear that it might snap and all would be lost....

so how am i?

i'm surviving.

Art and Beauty

"Art cannot be divorced from faith, for do so is to literally close our eyes to that beauty of the dying sun setting all around us. Every beauty also suffers. Death spreads all over our lives and therefore faith must be given to see through the darkness to see through the beauty of "the valley of the shadow of death."

Prayers are given too, in the layers of broken, pulverized pigments. Beauty is in the brokenness, not in what we can conceive as the perfections, not in the "finished" images but in the incomplete gestures. Now I await for my paintings to reveal themselves. Perhaps I will find myself rising through the ashes, through the beauty of such broken limitations."

Poem by Makoto Fujimura, New York city, 2008.
"Beauty of Chaos" acrylic on wood, Hanging in Edge house, Delhi, India
(painted by april coffman, modified idea from original by an unknown artist)

The journey is half the Trip

International Women's Day on Thursday

only in marin...

Saturday morning i had a scavenger hunt with Talullah- looking for quarters (or nickels or dimes) anything to lengthen my parking meter time by a few minutes. Don't worry i won. =) i happily left my car's side when an hour and forty-eight minutes gleamed through the plastic cover. It would suffice for a good coffee break at the Depot with Swiems before we began our day 'o fun at the Mill Valley library.

It was mostly productive. Except for the man who stole Sarah's mocha. Man, did he get the stink eye.... We decided he prolly thought that it was the BEST latte ever!! (chocolate has that effect). Sarah ended up with his latte. We did take solace in the fact that we could assume his next beverage there would definitely be a disappointment - when he orders a latte and it doesn't taste like a mocha he might be a little sad. So we finally left to say hi to Sarah's family and my boyfriend. He's blonde haired and blue-eyed. I have Swiems to thank for introducing us... he is very sweet and will be five next week. =)

If you have never been to the Mill Valley Library - i would highly suggest it. I found lots of books. (It is a library after all.) However i found many more than i needed or could read. .. and unfortunately had nothing to do with Art Therapy. Or the Congo. Or Gender Violence. Or Creativity.Or anything whatsoever to do with my Capstone... Sad.
After Sarah left i was finishing up my last bibliography entry for the day when my thoughts were interrupted by a little cough and some line about my globalization book that was piled 3 feet deep in front of me. I normally would have welcomed this discussion especially on the one chapter I had actually read. I would have liked to know his opinion on global warming and whether or not capitalism is an asset or a danger to public resources and if he thought the polar ice caps would melt in the next fifty years and if he knew how to swim since we'd probably be under water at that point.... (what? that's what the one chapter said.) But he kept looking at me strangely and running his hand through his hair... so i wasn't sure if i was supposed to continue engaging in this conversation or compliment him on his age and amount of hair still on his head...

photo by: keithcarpenter.wordpress.com

morning confessions

This morning was one of those mornings. It was THAT morning... where you snooze your alarm because your muscles automatically act whether your brain is in tact or not.

A few moments of peace are followed by intense confusion when the alarm rudely interupts the REM and all you can think is :

WHAT is thAT NOISE?????

But then you realize as you stare at your clock thinking what am i doing, and why is this going off...you realize that you are supposed to be in class. not soon. not in a few. but 5 minutes ago.

and at that very moment. you are...quite decidedly. in bed.

Don't worry adrenaline kicks in, and your uncombed mess of hair, glazed over eyes and rumpled tshirt shoot you across the universe so that you don't even remember walking to the class you have time warped to. Suspiciously you look at the bright eyed bushy-tailed comrades who sit near you, who are gleefully holding a coveted cup still steaming with caffeine. And you woefully stare at them with half opened eyes, watching them talk to you but the only words you hear are your own, saying: "coffee? coffee?? anyone???"

Hangin' out with Nor...

Meet Nora.

she is absolutely insane.

dance parties are part of homework

She introduces me to the entire playground at school,

To her friends she says,"This is my nanny. she is funny. "

no worries she is becoming a professional cheesey joke teller.

waiting. and waiting. and waiting.....

"Wait for the Lord;

be Strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

For what???? This has been the constant message to me. Wait. I feel like i'm going crazy.

There are many things i'd like to take care of today or even yesterday. But that oh so familiar voice said no, love, not yet. Wait. Wait for Me. So I wait.

some days i think "ah" relax. The time is not yet so i can just wait on that.

Other days i want to march straight in, just "fix" everything so i can move on to the next thing.

Wait. Waiting. Waited.

I guess waiting is an action. I have to look at it like this, that i AM doing something. I am being obedient. I am waiting. I will wait. until I have waited long enough and that voice says "enough" now go. Stop waiting and Go.

Waiting is not easy. That's why that verse follows with be Strong! and courageous!

You have to be brave to endure some of life's troubles and you have to be strong to hold on to your boundaries. So really God is making me into a Patient, Strong and Brave woman.

thank you.

Bogus Bodega Bay: Adventures with Abril & Swiems

alliteration might be too fun for words.
yesterday out of sheer determination and desire for productivity, Swiemo and i headed out to see where our library books would take us. Starbucks Strawberry serves us well though we wanted to see less of Marin and more of our pen and paper....
Up the 101 we flew like a flash, where to? we didn't know....
Navato exits pleaded for our presence
but the true adventurers leered past in a flash of silver in the Maz.
Historical downtown of Petaluma cheered as we headed down its on ramp and zipped through its intersections only to be pulled towards the teasing signs of Bodega Bay this way....
A couple miles more and the historical town of petaluma was just a memory as more Bodega Bay signs appeared enticing us to give up precious study time in hot pursuit of a beautiful spot. Many moons, green hills, goats, tractors, hay bales and horses later we finally come across the cause of our latest heartache... Bodega Bay 18 miles.....
FALSE ADVERTISING!!!! we yelled,
turned around and drowned our sorrows in chips and salsa at a very delectable Mexican food restaurant in the heart of downtown Petaluma.
Only then to haul our books to the starbucks a block away. Don't judge us.
a group of ladies sitting next to us, was telling each other of potential moving options in the land called Mill Valley. We tried to get away. but alas! no such luck. SO, We moved from the loud and laughing Marin Moms to the seemingly protective oversized chairs in the corner....
as the afternoon of intellect seemed to calm down i watched a couple in their 50s or so sit down with their grown daughter (who did have cute boots and a fun haircut, which we noticed before they sat down) I glanced up to catch the dad making a funny face towards our area and kind of giggled as i looked at the array of book titles on our coveted coffee table.... Women and Islam, Christian Theology Reader, Art Therapy and Social Action, among other things. I wondered if the poor guy became alarmed at the sight of so many social action, women's rights and Islamic titles, when his eyes grew wide and whispered something to his wife, who then whispered to the daughter and they all (not so strategically i might add) stared in our direction....
But lo and behold, i was completely wrong, they were not interested in the titles of our books, nor am i sure they even looked at the books, because the daughter in a not so kind (or quiet) way began a diatribe on people and their feet. I couldn't make sense of this rather random conversation until i caught sight of Swiems' shoeless feet snuggled up in the comfy protection of the reading chair and heard her call the woman out by asking her if she wanted her to put her shoes back on.... Apparently the woman was not used to being called out on her rudeness and perhaps was not aware of our ability to use our ears to hear her boisterous voice, because then she gave a valiant effort to dig herself out of the deep hole she was in, all the while turning red and announcing her embarrassment to practically the whole room before quite literally bolting out the door with her parents in hot pursuit. Never a dull moment.
We think we may try a new spot next time.... perhaps somewhere not starting in a star or spending a lot of bucks.....
Bodega Bay, we shall meet another day. But today was not that day...

photo from beanactivist.files.wordpress.com

My new mantra .... dedicated to me by Swiems

"Long gone" by Lady Antebellum

random thought of the day:

there are friends who just sympathize

there are friends who will cry with you

and there are friends who tell you what you want to hear

but if those things are not coupled with truth

and if that truth is not spoken in love and for your best interest

i don't think they were truly your friend to begin with.

here is to my friends!

Shades of Grey

There is this need

the need to choose.

Are we this or are we that?

must we end or can we go?

is it black or is it white?

nothing but questions

There is this thought
don't choose - maybe it's both
we are this and we are that
we must end and we must go
it's black AND it's white
Shades of grey


The black is too dark
the white is too light
impossibility
how can we live?
there is no room for "it depends"
shades of grey

if it is black, it cannot be white
where is grace?
if it is white, it cannot be black
where is the mercy?
this difference is too vast
hope intercedes with shades of grey

the fight is too great
for someone so weak
don't let me go
go to one side or the other
its not black and its not white
shades of grey

There is this freedom
rigidity is no more
some days are darker
others embrace more light
it's black AND it's white
Shades of Grey

-photo by april coffman;

art exhibit in NY, artist unknown

A melodic treat

Your Hands by JJ Heller

love love love this song

-photo by april coffman

Growth

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun

Behind my eyes there lives a me that I’ve been hiding for much too long

because I’ve been, too afraid to let it show

because I’m scared of the judgment that may follow

Always putting off my living for tomorrow

It’s time to step out on faith,

I’ve gotta show my faith

It’s been illusive for so long, but freedom is mine today

I’ve gotta step out on faith, it’s time to show my faith

Procrastination had me down but look what I have found,

I found Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it’s been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me


Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I’ve been, too afraid to make a choice
because I’m scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen
It’s time to step out on faith, I’ve gotta show my faith
It’s been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I’ve gotta step out on faith it’s time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found


Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it’s been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

-lyrics by India Arie

-photo by April Coffman

clouds

It rained today and i noticed the clouds.

and i thought how funny. I often notice clouds.

But clouds are kind of fickle. They suggest more than you would expect.

they can shield harsh rays yet unleash a wet fury.

they can float the day away performing a whimsical dance

or whirl together in unison so terrifying, a city is layed bare.

clouds can glow pink and orange with the artistry of a sunset

or turn a sickly green before dangerous twisters descend

clouds can inspire you with such peace,

just watch its graceful movements against a clear blue summer sky,

Clouds can strike you with such fear,

when the world goes dark and the sounds of wrath thunders across the heavens.

We can be cloudy with confusion or

arrive at cloud nine in utter bliss

dear clouds, what will you be today?

an advocate of peace or of war?

-photo by april coffman

Pieces...

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."

-Dorothy Thompson

Perceptions