Not the knot

the knot.
no to tying the knot.
no knot in the noose
things this is "not" about

but i am referring to the knot
the steel pretzel in my stomach
a knot that i cannot untie
why not?

i have not a clue
it will wait, this knot is stuck
constantly tightening
then slowly loosening
breathing in, breathing out

hold it all back
i cannot trust
cannot hope
cannot relax
cannot breathe
so i am not.

God i'm not trusting you to look out for me
not hoping for you to love me
not relaxing, on my guard
not breathing, waiting for the next blow
not happy. tears just flow.

i'd be happy with you though.
save for the knot.
the not.
release me from the pain
the knot of misery.

teach me what you say
not what i want to hear.
the truth. its strength.
not like my heart. fragile.
protect it.

a knot can strangle.
it can save.
a knot can protect.
the stongest bond.

love me
love me not
love me
love me not
please save me
from the knot.
or not.