Not the knot

the knot.
no to tying the knot.
no knot in the noose
things this is "not" about

but i am referring to the knot
the steel pretzel in my stomach
a knot that i cannot untie
why not?

i have not a clue
it will wait, this knot is stuck
constantly tightening
then slowly loosening
breathing in, breathing out

hold it all back
i cannot trust
cannot hope
cannot relax
cannot breathe
so i am not.

God i'm not trusting you to look out for me
not hoping for you to love me
not relaxing, on my guard
not breathing, waiting for the next blow
not happy. tears just flow.

i'd be happy with you though.
save for the knot.
the not.
release me from the pain
the knot of misery.

teach me what you say
not what i want to hear.
the truth. its strength.
not like my heart. fragile.
protect it.

a knot can strangle.
it can save.
a knot can protect.
the stongest bond.

love me
love me not
love me
love me not
please save me
from the knot.
or not.

winter

wilted flower
forgotten rose.
humbled from all its vain glory
the sepals lift up to the heavens
while this lowly rose folds

Velvet tips,
enchanted perfume
time passed by
now the dryness crackles
while the edges curl in shame
from its once held beauty
how can you see it the same?

Beauty...

Rays of sunshine

myth of humanity

Truth untold

Treasures unfold in outstretched hand

Am i the ruby? perhaps the emerald?

could i be a diamond or amythest?

But I believe my life amounts to a grain of sand

A crystal of filth too small to see.Value have I?

Not in this wounded mind can I,

trust such visions of loveliness to include such a wretch as I

But none so divine, none so admired as this story of mine.

Once a single grain of sand,i lost my way and was snatched from land.

Who or what could this captor be?

I succumbed to the pain, and sang "Woe is Me"

I lived in its darknessand believed its grasp would forever last

Until one moment of liberation occurred

in brought such light of magnitude!

the purest of hope and love too.

With pain and agony, the jaws of my walls were snatched away

Leaving me naked,

confused,

and exposed.

Then, with the gentlest touch

I was lifted from my pit

to find that i was valued yet.

A worthless piece of earth thought I?

no longer a valueless piece of dust was I.

Without understanding or knowing the struggle

the brown had become whitemishapen no longer,

and perfect in his sight

To any onlooker, they'd never discover

that as His fingers unfurl

that which once had been dust was now a beautiful pearl.

Redeemed was I,

changed from within

so now when those who are feeling lowly

and full of beauty lust,

I can tell them...

I also began as dust.