Deep Breaths...

Do you ever just step back from life? and say HEY! what am i doing?!

thiisss just might be my life at the moment.

what AM i doing?

You realize the rut you've got yourself into becasue you keep running circles around everybody else
to make sure they are ok.
make sure they love you.
approve of you.
care for you.
that you are there for them.
give everything for them.
drop everything for them.
when really they just might not even see the marathon going on right under their noses or just end up tripping over you becasue they haven't noticed you in the first place?
and finally you just fall over in exhaustion

from the running and the pleasing and the helping....

what happens then when all this work is for nothing?

and you look yourself in the mirror and say

who are you??

and the "you" that you once knew is just a shadow ?...

and you stare down the mirror in hopes of catching a glimpse of what once was or some flicker of the former to which you could recognize or relate to...

but no.

now its nothing but reaquainting oneself.

to just be.

to breathe.

to ask silly questions like "what do i like?" not what should i like to impress them or what do i think that person would assume i should like?

i'm done.

so today i turn in my people pleasing running shoes.

I close my eyes and take deep breaths.

i cover my ears of the demands of all my time by each person with their own agenda

i take deep breaths.

the roar of the busy room softens

more softly.

more still.

until i actually hear silence

the hum of my fan

the beating of my heart

and the measured breaths i'm taking

the tension in my shoulder eases

my toes stretch and dig into the carpet like sand

the underlying stress and panic ebbs away and streams into the floor.

now there is calm and peace.

i can listen. i can hear.

hear Him speaking to my heart,

filling my soul with the tranquility of his strength.

my lips curl up slightly in unexplained joy

as i say no to the world.

and yes to the creator

who is ready to take away a bit more

of the things that should not be

and mold me more into what only He can see.

change.

change is addicting.

i like change. its fun and exciting.

but goodbyes are not enjoyable.

sometimes its for a short time.

sometimes a season.

sometimes a long while.

while the worst kinds are the endings of new beginnings.

and i feel that so many beginnings i made in Jo'burg

are now the final endings of our new beginnings.

i sense a peace in hope that i may see them again

for those will be sweet hellos of once thought final goodbyes.

none of this probably makes sense to you

but I stand in the crossroads.

i look behind and say goodbye.

to what was.

what i wish could have been.

and even what i once desired only to be thankful of its unfulfillment.

i look to the left and to the right.

the paths i could take instead.

i see the fun. the excitement. the adventure.

but i put it aside.

straight ahead is where i must go.

straight ahead i really cringe to follow

the signs that have pointed me there.

i could choose the other paths but i would not be free

there is this fear to trust. to move forward with confidence.

so one foot in front of the other.

focus on just one step. another step. again the step.

the step in faith.

a step of obedience.

a fresh step forward, looking ahead to another's plans

mine always spoil, but these plans endure

logic seems quite far a lot of the time

until i come to the next crossroads

looking back at the path I've ventured on

trusting and obeying and looking at life anew

with a fresh look forward.

let's say hello! to a future goodbye.