A Mask Removed - Confessions of April....

i ended up hitting the road.I knew there would be a lot of mileage covered by taxi - but i had no idea what road the Lord was sending me down.

I finally just broke down at a dominos of all places in Shimla, HP in northern india. Who knew?

For many many months i have been struggling. Some weeks i can ignore it, put on a happy face, and just straight up medicate the emotional pain with food, friends, distractions, etc.

Why is it so hard to give it to the GREAT HEALER??

it must be one of lifes mysteries.

Thoughts would slither into my mind. the thought would very rarely be tossed out completely...it would simply be thought through, processed and thought through again until i had morphed it into what i thought was truth. The thoughts would take turns growing bigger, stronger, and mutating into other thoughts until it became an emotional cancer.

something i just didn't want to deal with.

My worth decreased as my dependency on other people's thoughts of me grew
My self-image diminished as my time with the Lord was cut shorter and shorter
My desire to take captive those thoughts declined as my desire for food seemed to "fix" things.

Thhe Lord said "it is enough. "
As we spent countless hours on the road... i had plenty of time to think. To process. to let the Lord speak truth into my seemingly darkened and dying mind.
He showed me the thoughts for what they were - sin.

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
that saved a wretch like me."

I was able to confess these things that had haunted me, tortured me, and tempted me to believe the worst of myself and of the God of the Universe.
Then i was able to confess these things to Beki and talk through things also.
what sweet relief.
God has given me wings - for my soul is soaring on wings of eagles
i feel like i have been given a second chance...(most accurately a second trillion chance)
The Lord is faithful even when we are not.

My new prayer:
"beauty is fleeting; charm is deceptive. But a woman who fears the Lord is worthy to be praised."
God makes me beautiful.He has created me - i am fearfully and wonderfully made.
God gives me charm... Because He is the charm that people are drawn to -
Jesus is a sweet fragrance
I want so desperately to be a woman after God's own heart - a woman who fears the Lord.
If i am given any praise - i want it to be because of that. Not because of beauty, or charm, or earthly possessions, or anything else.

Psalm 130
"Out of the depths i cry to you, o Lord;
Oh Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,
Oh Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits
and in his word i put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel (me), put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel (Me )
from all their sins."