an experiment: rest seekers

exhausted: to tire extremely or completely. poured out until nothing remains.
i, my friends, am exhausted.
i have nothing left. no, that's a lie. i have lots of things...
like bags under my eyes, a constant state of drowsiness
and lest we forget apathy...my newest friend and comrad.

my emotions are king and i feel that
on this torturous road of apathy, i drag myself along...
i pull myself just enough to read a little for this class,
take deep breaths before i pull myself to the next class
prepare myself for the next paper to write that slightly sounds like the last....
until i saw this.... (the canvas not the cowgirl hat)

and so i was sitting in my room the other day (a rare luxury i can tell you that right now.)
and i just stared overwhelmed by life and i thought perhaps i should create something or paint something or draw SOMETHING. but i just ended up staring. daunted by this piece of clean and crisp perfection. nothing but canvas and wood. what was i so afraid of??
i didn't know how to continue its perfection through acrylic paints or anyother thing for that matter. What ever i did to add to it would only cause imperfection. I would mess it up. I would fail. and fail miserably. i couldn't live with the pressure. if someone came in and saw it in its state of creation BEFORE it was finished - what would they say??
would they even put any hope in my abilities or was it all hoax of gifts to beginwith?

what would my identity be? why does it matter???????so here.

my first mark.

my first step.

to overcoming a multitude of fears.

process of documentation to follow....with each lesson i will add a mark or image, etc. and then take a picture. exposing part of my soul to your judgement, your criticalness, your lens and taking a chance to be vulnerable and let you watch the work in progress of this canvas as God is working on me.

random

i started writing today.

this was a big step.

analyzing. processing. facing the stories.

i felt relief.

i need a hobby.

sooo i've decided that i need a hobby.
tried yoga this morning.....
me and the downward dog are NOT down with each other. just sayin.
we may need to give this some time.
kind of like a second date when youre not REAL sure about the first one and you need another try to push you off the fence.
all suggestions or company is welcome.

Deep Breaths...

Do you ever just step back from life? and say HEY! what am i doing?!

thiisss just might be my life at the moment.

what AM i doing?

You realize the rut you've got yourself into becasue you keep running circles around everybody else
to make sure they are ok.
make sure they love you.
approve of you.
care for you.
that you are there for them.
give everything for them.
drop everything for them.
when really they just might not even see the marathon going on right under their noses or just end up tripping over you becasue they haven't noticed you in the first place?
and finally you just fall over in exhaustion

from the running and the pleasing and the helping....

what happens then when all this work is for nothing?

and you look yourself in the mirror and say

who are you??

and the "you" that you once knew is just a shadow ?...

and you stare down the mirror in hopes of catching a glimpse of what once was or some flicker of the former to which you could recognize or relate to...

but no.

now its nothing but reaquainting oneself.

to just be.

to breathe.

to ask silly questions like "what do i like?" not what should i like to impress them or what do i think that person would assume i should like?

i'm done.

so today i turn in my people pleasing running shoes.

I close my eyes and take deep breaths.

i cover my ears of the demands of all my time by each person with their own agenda

i take deep breaths.

the roar of the busy room softens

more softly.

more still.

until i actually hear silence

the hum of my fan

the beating of my heart

and the measured breaths i'm taking

the tension in my shoulder eases

my toes stretch and dig into the carpet like sand

the underlying stress and panic ebbs away and streams into the floor.

now there is calm and peace.

i can listen. i can hear.

hear Him speaking to my heart,

filling my soul with the tranquility of his strength.

my lips curl up slightly in unexplained joy

as i say no to the world.

and yes to the creator

who is ready to take away a bit more

of the things that should not be

and mold me more into what only He can see.

change.

change is addicting.

i like change. its fun and exciting.

but goodbyes are not enjoyable.

sometimes its for a short time.

sometimes a season.

sometimes a long while.

while the worst kinds are the endings of new beginnings.

and i feel that so many beginnings i made in Jo'burg

are now the final endings of our new beginnings.

i sense a peace in hope that i may see them again

for those will be sweet hellos of once thought final goodbyes.

none of this probably makes sense to you

but I stand in the crossroads.

i look behind and say goodbye.

to what was.

what i wish could have been.

and even what i once desired only to be thankful of its unfulfillment.

i look to the left and to the right.

the paths i could take instead.

i see the fun. the excitement. the adventure.

but i put it aside.

straight ahead is where i must go.

straight ahead i really cringe to follow

the signs that have pointed me there.

i could choose the other paths but i would not be free

there is this fear to trust. to move forward with confidence.

so one foot in front of the other.

focus on just one step. another step. again the step.

the step in faith.

a step of obedience.

a fresh step forward, looking ahead to another's plans

mine always spoil, but these plans endure

logic seems quite far a lot of the time

until i come to the next crossroads

looking back at the path I've ventured on

trusting and obeying and looking at life anew

with a fresh look forward.

let's say hello! to a future goodbye.

Last days..... good bye lefika!

LOVE LOVE LOVE these ladies!!

aaaaaaaand finally all my reports are typed and the hardcopies can now stay organized and happy in the filing cabinent
Amy, Nick, and me

kylie, me and ruth

Me, ed, and kate

Goodbye lefika!!!!!!!!!!

the cape...day3 (mostly in pictures)

then we drove to Simons town - where you can see penguins!!!!!!!! Then we climbed around on the boulders and chatted or just listened to the ocean. AFterwards we checked under our car for penguins and headed to lunch. After lunch was Table mountain!

so we hiked around for a long while and discussed truth vs happiness.....

we headed back to michaels for a Brie (sp?) ... ( a Barbeque )

The cape... Day 2

Sunday i spent the day with Amy's extended family.

Her aunt took us to a great place near the beach for lunch. The shark flag was out - meaning there had been a shark sighting. but apparently that didn't phase too many people who were floating like appetizers in the water...

The Cape.... DAY one: Stellenbosch...getting lost...then the play.

my pampered weekend began upon arrival to the airport as Michael (Amy's friend we were staying with) sent his personal driver, Howard, to pick me up. Howard tried to show me the sights on the way but being as it was midnight and pitch black outside did not allow him much of a role to play as the tour guide.

Many sentences began "and to the left, if you could see in the dark you would see...." I met michael and amy at the house and then we all crashed. The next day Michael took us on a roadtrip in his convertable BMW and whisked us up the Stellenbosch wine routes where we met several of his friends and had lunch. (our waitor enjoyed changing his accents to which we found out later he had actually lived in texas and had visited tyler, texas.

we were instant friends.)

more touring of the countryside..... and more touring and mooore driving to which about ten minutes past driving past here we realized we were lost... great view to see if you had to be lost though i must say!
A couple petrol stations and slight back tracking later we were on our way and made it back just in the nick of time! Michael had bought us tickets to see Sir Ian Mckellen (aka Gandalf ) play in "waiting for Godot" - He was brilliant.

From wikkipedia....
Waiting for Godot (pronounced /ˈɡɒdoʊ/) is an absurdist play by Samuel Beckett, in which two characters, Vladimir and Estragon, wait for someone named Godot. Godot's absence, as well as numerous other aspects of the play, have led to many different interpretations since the play's premiere. The play is considered by some critics to be one of the most prominent works of the "Theatre of the Absurd".
All of which led to several evening challenges including the milk challenge and the banana eating contest - good job michael! 2 bananas in 1 minute.

Farm Fun with a Durban Excursion

Friday finally came and i said Sinara! to good ole Joburg! Kate picked me up and we headed off to fetch Ed from work and hit the road. We were just driving along when this odd looking building popped into view so we made a quick exit to check it out.... yup those are emus made out of metal and those are tire chairs not to mention the chickens pecking around while inside it sold jams and jellies, random souvenirs and also had a butchery. The first 200 kilometers were flat and lets just say...borrrring. But don't worry we had Shakira to keep us in the proper south African spirit. And then the landscape started to change... we arrived a little later than amy had anticipated..haha but we made it!! Met amy's mom and dad and made homemade pizza from scratch - bekah you will be proud. We left after dinner to check out the local hangout with AMy's brother and his mates, then came back and crashed. Day 2:

We got up in the morning had coffee and headed off for breakfast at the farmer's market and met Amy's old hockey coach. We got a tour of howick which of course includes Howick Falls. there were some crazy boys trying to rock climb up the rock face....

they maaaaaay be there all day. We continued on to see the area of a thousand hills with little lookout areas here and there... Kate reenacted some bollywood for us haha. Then made a few more stops and kept on until Durban which was about an hour away. Durban....hmmm. Let's say this place is Africa with Indian flare. There is this whooole HUGE indian market with all things indian and i made lots of friends!!

they were mostly from south india which was still fun to chat about.

There was an endless supply of interesting items to see and buy and well try on of course!

Amz - i found our new profile pic...handsdown.

After the market we headed to the beach for our picnic lunch and here's the urban scene from the beach - to the far right is the durban stadium where all the world cup matches were played here..then we challenged some kids to a soccer match - we lost 2 -nil.
THEN we walked about and took pictures and relaxed before heading off to catch a movie. This was also the Durban International Film Festival weekend so we went to see "A woman, a Gun and a Noodle Shop" ---- ummm liked it a lot! so funny!
See the Trailer with reviews

after the movie we grabbed dinner - A famous Durban meal - Bunny chow. Its an indian curry inside a bread loaf. you can get chicken or mutton curry and order a quarter/half/or full loaf of bread for it to come in. We headed back to the farm.

In the morning we got a tour of the farm which was breathtaking! We came back and had breakfast then tried out our riding skills....

for the record english saddles are trickier than western saddles. Just sayin. =)
We then went on the Midlands Meander and checked out a lot of fun little shops and then said goodbye to amz and headed off into the sunset back to Joburg.